dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
