so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
