remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
