ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
