when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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