I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
