I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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