Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
