i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
