how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
