Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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