I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
