ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
