I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
