if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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