just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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