I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
