He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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