Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I did not marry a roomba.
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