I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
