Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
