I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
