proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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