Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My dick has a subreddit
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
