if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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