My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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