Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
