I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
