Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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