Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
