i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
