They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
