so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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