you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
