Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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