I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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