i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
