OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
