he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
