lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
