so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
