I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
