i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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