Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
