Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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