highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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