At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
