i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
