If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
