Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
